How to Gain Control of Your Emotions

Edited by Ben Rubenstein, Jack Herrick, Bill Funk, Manuel_Montenegro

Controlling your emotions doesn't mean ignoring them. It means you recognize them and act on them when appropriate, not randomly and uncontrollably whenever you feel like it. Take control of your life by taking control of your emotions.

Steps

Part 1: Controlling Emotions, Not Letting Emotions Control You

Know your emotions. There are a million different ways you can feel, but scientists have classified human emotions into a few basics that everyone can recognize: joy, acceptance, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and anticipation.^[1]

Jealousy, for example, is a manifestation of fear - fear that you're not "as good" as something else, fear of being abandoned because you're not "perfect" or "the best."

Know what kinds of situations cause which emotions, and be able to tell the difference between anger and fear; sometimes multiple emotions can bubble up at the same time, and the person going through the emotions might not be able to distinguish the two.

Recognize that emotions don't just appear mysteriously out of nowhere. Many times, we're at the mercy of our emotions on a subconscious level. By recognizing your emotions on a conscious level, you're better able to control them.

It's also good to recognize an emotion from the moment it materializes, as opposed to letting it build up and intensify. The last thing you want to do is ignore or repress your feelings, because if you're reading this, you probably know that when you do that, they tend to get worse and erupt later.
Ask yourself throughout the day: "How am I feeling right now?" If you can, keep a journal. Write down situations that caused an interesting emotion in you. That way, you can help pinpoint the moment it appeared instead of letting its origin slip away.
Take ownership of your emotions. Don't blame them on other people. Recognize when you try to blame other people for your emotions, and don't let your mind get away with that trick. Taking full responsibility for your emotions will help you better control them.

Notice what was going through your mind when the emotion appeared. Stop and analyze what you were thinking about, until you find what thought was causing that emotion.

Your boss may not have made eye contact with you at lunch, for example; and without even being aware of it, the thought may have been in the back of your mind, "He's getting ready to fire me!"

Write down the evidence which supports or contradicts the thought that produced the emotion. Start connecting the dots about why you reacted the way you did.

When you begin to think about it, you might realize that since nobody gets along well with this particular boss, he can't afford to actually fire anyone, because the department is too short-staffed.

For example, you may have let slip something that you should not have said which angered him, but which it is too late to retract. His reaction at lunch may not be what you originally thought it was.

Ask yourself, "What is another way to look at the situation that is more rational and more balanced than the way I was looking at it before?" Explore all the different possibilities. If nothing else, thinking about other possible interpretations will alert you to many different scenarios, and the difficulty of jumping to conclusions.

Taking this new evidence into account, you may conclude that your job is safe, regardless of your boss's petty annoyances, and you're relieved of the emotion that was troubling you. If this doesn't work, however, continue to the next step.

Consider your options. Now that you know what emotion you're dealing with, think of at least two different ways you can respond. Your emotions control you when you assume there's only one way to react, but you always have a choice. For example, if someone insults you, and you experience anger, your immediate response might be to insult them back. But no matter what the emotion, there are always at least two alternatives, and you can probably think of more:

Don't react. Do nothing. This approach is especially good when you know that someone is trying to egg you on or purposely frustrate you. Don't give in; when you fail to show an emotional reaction, the person egging you on will become frustrated and eventually stop.
Relax. Easy to say, hard to do, but there are some ways to relax that do not require lots of training, experience or will power. When we are angry or upset we clench our jaws and tense up. Taking a deep breath is an easy and effective way to tamp down the emotional upset. It won’t dispel the anger but it can dial it down a notch or two, just enough to keep us from saying, or doing, something we’d regret later.
Do the opposite of what you would normally do. For example, you get bothered when your spouse regularly doesn't do the dishes. Instead of engaging them in an argument the second you notice the dirty dishes, calmly do the dishes yourself and tell your spouse — in a calm and collected way — that you'd appreciate help considering all you do in the household.
Remove yourself from the situation. Let’s say that you are on a committee at work that includes people who are unfocused, angry and unproductive. You invariably get upset when attending the meetings. One strategy for dealing with this upset, frustration and anger is to ask to be re-assigned to a different committee. Basically, you remove yourself from a situation that you know will generate these strong, negative and unnecessary feelings.

Make a choice. When deciding what to do, it's important to make sure it's a conscious choice, not a reaction to another, competing emotion. For example, if someone insults you and you do nothing, is it your decision, or is it a response to your fear of confrontation? Here are some good reasons to act upon:

Principles - Who do you want to be? What are your moral principles? What do you want the outcome of this situation to be? Ultimately, which is the decision you'd be most proud of? This is where religious guidance comes into play for many people.
Logic - Which course of action is the most likely to result in the outcome you desire? For example, if you're being confronted with a street fight, and you want to take thepacifist route, you can walk away--but, there's a good chance that burly drunk will be insulted if you turn your back. Maybe it's better to apologize and keep him talking until he calms down.

Part 2: Recognizing Ideas that Cause Negative Emotions

Change your perspective. The above steps show how to not let your emotions control your behavior on the spot. If you want to experience fewer negative emotions to begin with, change the way you see the world. If you learn how to be optimistic and laid back, you'll find that negative emotions make fewer appearances to be reckoned with.

Being optimistic is important. Instead of letting emotions take over because you pessimistically expect them to, try believing in the notion that the world is essentially good, and that people get what they deserve, and that you are a good person. You may start finding that outlook changes your emotions.
Acknowledge that there are certain things that you won't be able to change. Those things aren't worth getting frustrated at. You're probably not going to change the way that some people drive their car, for instance. It's not worth getting upset over. What you can change is your reaction to people who drive recklessly and selfishly.

Eliminate many of the selfish core beliefs which give rise to your disturbing thoughts and negative emotions. There are many irrational ideas that repeatedly upset us.^[2] They are all false, but many of us are inclined to believe at least some of them part of the time. Here are some preconceived notions about the self that are wrong because people think of themselves too highly:

"I must be perfect in all respects in order to be worthwhile." Nobody can be perfect ineverything that we have to do in life. But if you believe that you're a failure unless you are perfect in every way, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness.
"I must be loved and approved of by everyone who is important to me." Sometimes you just can't help making enemies, and there are people in the world who bear ill will to almost everyone. But you can't make your own life miserable by trying to please them.
"When people treat me unfairly, it is because they are bad people." Most of the people who treat you unfairly have friends and family who love them. People are mixtures of good and bad. Maybe there is something about you that displeases them.
"It is terrible when I am seriously frustrated, treated badly, or rejected." Some people have such a short fuse that they are constantly losing jobs or endangering friendships because they are unable to endure the slightest frustration. The world does not tick for only you. Be considerate of other people.
"If something is dangerous or fearful, I have to worry about it." Many people believe that "the work of worrying" will help to make problems go away. They drive themselves crazy by making up things to worry about. "Okay, that's over. Now, what's the next thing on the list that I have to worry about?"
"It is terrible when things do not work out exactly as I want them to." Could you have predicted the course of your own life? Probably not. By the same token, you can't predict that things are going to work out exactly as you want them to, even in the short term.

Eliminate many negative core beliefs about the self. There are people who think of themselves not highly enough: Their self-esteem is essentially in the gutter, and their emotions are the result of not being able to love themselves adequately.

"Misery comes from outside forces which I can’t do very much to change." Many prison inmates describe their life as if it were a cork, bobbing up and down on waves of circumstance. You can choose whether to see yourself as an effect of your circumstances, or a cause. Take responsibility for your actions.
"It is easier to avoid life’s difficulties and responsibilities than to face them." Even painful experiences, once we can get through them, can serve as a basis for learning and future growth. It's childish to go through life thinking that difficulties won't ever affect us.
"Because things in my past controlled my life, they have to keep doing so now and in the future." If this were really true, it would mean that we are prisoners of our past, and change is impossible. But people change all the time — and sometimes they change dramatically! You have the ability to be essentially who you want to be; you just have to believe in yourself.
"I can be as happy as possible by just doing nothing and enjoying myself, taking life as it comes." If this were true, almost every wealthy or comfortably retired person would do as little as possible. But instead, they seek new challenges as a pathway to further growth. You're tricking yourself into believing that you'd be really happy doing nothing. People need novelty to stay satisfied.

Part 3: Recognizing Ideas that Make Negative Emotions Worse

Learn to avoid the cognitive distortions which make things look worse than they really are. Most of us have heard the expression, "looking at the world through rose-colored glasses." But when you use cognitive distortions, you tend to look at the world through mud-colored glasses! Here are some ideas that you should stop from rolling through your head if you catch yourself thinking them.

Avoid negative ideas that come from feeling inadequate. Inadequacy comes from low self-esteem, the idea that you aren't good enough to do something or deserve someone. Banish inadequacy from your emotions as much as possible, and you may find that it has been keeping you from accomplishing things.

All-or-nothing thinking. Everything is good or bad, with nothing in between. If you aren't perfect, then you're a failure. You procrastinate doing stuff because they are not perfect until you have no other choice than doing them.
Disqualifying the positive. If somebody says something good about you, it doesn't count. But if somebody says something bad about you, you "knew it all along."
Personalization. You believe that you were the cause of something bad that happened, when you really didn't have very much to do with it. And ask a friend to help you realize your emotions or worries so that you can have someone to rely on.
Mind reading. You think somebody is disrespecting you and don't bother to check it out. You just assume that they are. You do this because you feel like you don't deserve respect, and so are overly sensitive to people whom you think might not respect you.

Avoid negative ideas that come from fear. Humans can be afraid of a lot of things; we let fear take over our rational brains because we're convinced something bad is going to happen, even when we don't have evidence that it will.

Overgeneralization. A single negative event turns into a never-ending pattern of defeat. "I didn't get a phone call. I'll never hear from anybody again," or "She broke up with me; why would anyone want to date me?" You generalize not because of a pattern, but because you fear the pattern.
Labeling and mislabeling. This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. When you make a mistake, you give yourself a label, such as, "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him, "He's a louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
The Fortune Teller Error. You think that things are going to turn out badly, and convince yourself that this is already a fact. You have no evidence for the prophecy, but you're convinced anyways.
Jumping to conclusions. You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. You think that preparing for the worst is better than hoping for the best, because you're afraid, not hopeful.

Avoid negative ideas that come from other complex emotions. Don't succumb to these defeatist emotional responses. Have faith in your ability to work things through. Believe in your own self worth. If you catch yourself thinking any one of these thoughts, focus instead on a positive way of interpreting your worth.

Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization. Imagine that you're looking at yourself or somebody else through a pair of binoculars. You might think that a mistake you made or somebody else's achievement are more important than they really are. Now imagine that you've turned the binoculars around and you're looking through them backwards. Something you've done might look less important than it really is, and somebody else's faults might look less important than they really are.
Emotional reasoning. You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true." You want the world to be the way it feels to you because it will help you feel less powerless.
Should statements. You beat up on yourself as a way of getting motivated to do something. You "should" do this, you "must" do this, you "ought" to do this, and so on. This doesn't make you want to do it, it only makes you feel guilty. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

Tips

Learn to recognize and anticipate "triggers" that set you off.

Don't let the fear from the past keep you from your future.

No matter what you choose to do, it's important to continue acknowledging the emotion. Just because you're not reacting to an emotion doesn't mean that emotion doesn't exist.

Try making a list of a bunch of feelings you want to be aware of either feeling or avoiding. Each day leave a check or mark by them as you accomplish or fail to accomplish your goal.

Sometimes it's helpful to keep a binder with lined paper. Then at the end of the day when you're in bed you can write down all your thoughts and emotions.

Some experiences like watching a film, hearing a sound or tasting a food (sensory input) can trigger or bring about good emotions. The more good ones you can recognize, pay attention to and be aware of, the easier it is to put your self in that kind of a recognizable mood. It's far easier to get out of an angry or sad state of mind when you can know what happy or joyful state of mind is like.

Just try to calm down don't panic .

Sources and Citations

American Psychiatric Association (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. 4th ed. Washington, DC: Author.

Beck, A. T., Rush, A. J., Shaw, B. F., & Emery, G. (1979). Cognitive therapy of depression.New York, NY: Guilford.

Beck, A. Cognitive therapy. In J. Zeig (Ed.), The evolution of psychotherapy. (pp. 149-163). New York, NY: Brunner/Mazel.

Gibbons, D. E. (2001). Experience as an art form: Hypnosis, hyperempiria, and the Best Me Technique. New York, NY: Authors Choice Press.

Gibbons, D. E. (2000). Applied hypnosis and hyperempiria. Lincoln, NE: Authors Choice Press (originally published 1979 by Plenum Press).

Greenberger, D. A., & Padesky, C. (1995). Mind over mood: Change the way you feel by changing the way you think. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Kuyken, Willem; Watkins, Ed; Beck, Aaron T., Gabbard, Glen O. (Ed); Beck, Judith S. (Ed); Holmes, Jeremy (Ed). (2005). Cognitive therapy for mood disorders. Oxford textbook of psychotherapy. (pp. 111-126). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Young, Jeffrey E.; Rygh, Jayne L.; Weinberger, Arthur D.; Beck, Aaron T. (2008). Cognitive therapy for depression. in Barlow, David H. (Ed). Clinical handbook of psychological disorders: A step-by-step treatment manual (4th ed.). (pp. 250-305). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

↑ http://www.fractal.org/Bewustzijns-Besturings-Model/Nature-of-emotions.htm

↑ Ellis, A. (1988) How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything -- yes, anything! Secaucus, NJ: England, Lyle, Stuart, Inc.; Ellis, A. (2004). Rational emotive behavior therapy: It works for me--it can work for you. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books.

Comments:

Sorry about the long article. This is very general advice to cover all aspects of life. You can take specific parts to help you stop emotional eating. When you learn what your habits are and what triggers the emotional eating you are in a powerful position to make changes. Very often other aspects of your life can cause you to overeat, by controlling these outside factors can give you the edge you need.

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Thursday, 2 May 2013