Having completed two marathons in as many years, I finally feel qualified to call myself that most noble of titles, a Lady Runner. (Or Woman Who Runs. Or Running Girl. I haven’t decided which I like best yet.)
Those two marathon experiences couldn’t have been more different. Paris 2013 dawned a bright, clear day; the crowd was cheering, I had done all the training and set off with a spring in my step, high fiving small children and grinning at my adoring fans as I went. You know, generally behaving like a bit of a tool.
Cut to Rome 2014, and it was sheeting it down. The Italians who had bothered to turn up watched quizzically from the side-lines, uncomprehending as to why anyone would run 26.2 miles by choice (I was struggling with that question myself). By the time I started I was soaked to the skin and shivering, with no confidence in my ability to finish the race after a calf injury the month before had curtailed my training at a crucial stage.
I did manage to finish it (yay!), but only after breaking down in tears, shouting at my mother and almost throwing up some neon orange Gatorade in the street.
After experiencing the full rollercoaster of long-distance running emotions – joy, sorrow, self-loathing – here are some of the things that no one tells women about running a marathon…
1. You will think you're Beyoncé
For the first 13 miles – before you start seriously questioning whether what you're doing actually constitutes self-harm – you will feel like a rock star. People are cheering for you! They're chanting your name! You will find yourself blowing kisses to the crowd and high fiving small children, and this will seem like totally normal behaviour. By mile 22, you will remember that girl you once were and hate her.
2. You will happily “lube up”
By mile 24 your whole body will hate you regardless, but never underestimate the negative effects chafing can have on one’s psyche. The skin on skin/skin on material rubbing dynamic will slowly but surely bring you to your knees like nothing else, unless you take preventative measures. Before you embark, lubricate like it’s going out of fashion – Vaseline up every bit of your body that might touch another bit of your body or clothing, including breasts, bum and inner thighs. If it helps, pretend you are doing it in preparation for a misogynistic music video, or a Maxim cover shoot.
Also, remember to wear trousers:
3. You'll wish you had smaller breasts
The glorious female form, while very good at lots of things – like looking quite nice in an oil painting – is not particularly well designed for, to use the technical term, jiggling. Running involves a great deal of jiggling. In fact, a marathon is pretty much one long jiggle-fest from start to finish. And the more voluptuous you are, the more problematic this is. As no one has as yet found a way to detach their breasts and leave them at home during a run, it really is worth shelling out for a decent sports bra; you are never going to regret investing £40 to get the girls rounded up and under control.
4. You might lose your s***
However “together” you are in real life, striding around in an independent, feminist, having it all-type way, after 35km of running you will have become a highly emotional, unstable and irrational wreck. You may break down into inconsolable sobbing when it turns out your mother is 2km further along the course than she had promised. Which may lead to you screaming at her in the street about how she has let you down (sorry again, mum).
5. You'll get penis envy
Men have it a lot easier when it comes to long distance running, purely because they can take a whizz just about anywhere. Look around during any marathon, and there will be guys weeing up against trees, parked cars, statues, bollards, dogs – you name it, someone will be relieving themselves on it. Women, on the other hand, have no choice but to queue for 10 minutes to use one of the world’s worst portaloos when nature calls. (Picture Glasto and then imagine everyone there has a dodgy tummy from too many energy gels. That.)
Tip: Be prepared. A generous length of bog roll tucked in a back pocket goes a long way.
6. You will become a running bore
In the weeks leading up to the race, you will undoubtedly find yourself in the pub on a Friday night, talking to a friend with intense zeal about how you “really need to work on speeding up your splits”, or you’ve “been experimenting with a combination of electrolytes and gels”. STOP. Take a breath. Go and take a long, hard look in the mirror. And ask yourself why you have turned into a wanker.
Running has a tendency to take over your life when training for an event, but try to remember that most people won't be anything more than vaguely interested. This is particularly true when on a first date – just watch their eyes glaze over as you bang on about techniques to avoid “hitting the wall”…
7. You will not look good
Contrary to fitness adverts depicting toned, fresh-faced girls running while looking better than you did on your wedding day, your body simply is not going to look good during or after a marathon. Your skin may be spotty after all that sustained sweating has played merry hell with your pores. If you are anything over an A cup, you may end up with welts or sores from where your sports bra has rubbed. You may have, against all common sense, put on weight.
People will say things like: “You must be losing loads of weight now you’re training for a marathon”. Don’t count on it – those long runs are going to be fuelled by a shed load of carbs so that you avoid burning fat, as converting the latter into energy is a far more tiring process.
8. Your toenails will drop off
As bad as the rest of your body looks, your feet will look even worse. Cracked heels, hard skin, calloused, bulbous toes – and all just in time for sandals season. And, of course, you can look forward to your toenails turning black and dropping off. Yes, you heard me: your toenails might fall off. And yes, it does look as disgusting as it sounds.
9. You will voluntarily enter a wet t-shirt competition
Well, strictly speaking it's not a competition – there are no prizes for a start. But as things hot up, and you see basins of water and people holding out wet sponges stationed in front of you, you will be drawn to them. You will be enticed by the cool, watery goodness. And you will, against all your previously held attitudes, pour water over yourself while making orgasmic noises like you're auditioning for a Herbal Essences ad, because it feels SO GOOD. Just go with it.
10. You will want to do another one
Running a marathon is a bit like childbirth. You will hate parts of it, it will be immensely painful and you will swear to yourself NEVER AGAIN. Six months later, the agony all but forgotten, your brain will trick you into thinking it’s a good idea to do another one.
You can protect yourself against this masochism posing as athletic ambition by telling a broad selection of friends immediately after the race that, should you ever enthuse about doing a marathon in future, they are to prohibit such foolhardy optimism and channel it in a safe, healthy way. Like suggesting a karaoke night instead. Or that you buy a sports car. Or go out with a 20 year old.
You will then ignore them and do it anyway.
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